Death Eater Letters
by Kagayaita Eternal
Summary: After that certain owl incident, Voldemort once again built up a new postal service (with memos) for his Death Eaters and him to send about anything to anyone. But things somehow turned up wrong... Warning: OCC Crack DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN VOLDY OR THE DEATH EATERS BUT ROWLING DOES!
1. Chapter 1

Dear all Loyal Death Eaters,

I'm pleased to annouce that our Death Eater Postal Service has been restored after that certain incident with the owls.

Now we are switch using the Ministry Memos.

Now, first of all, I need _that_ _someone_ to clean up the pukey mess from that dreadful dinner we had last night. (Bellatrix you are not cooking for us again!)

Its really creating an unpleasant smell for all of us. So _that someone_ better clean it up before _that someone_ will get punished.

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort

P.S: _That someone is you, Wormtail._


	2. Chapter 2

The Dark Lord,

Sorry to offend of some sort. I just wanted to ask you: Why didn't you use House-Elves do the dirty work other than Wormtail?

I mean I know you he hated the scum of a rat but aren't we those kind of people who loves to toture House-Elves?

If the thought had never crossed over your mind may _we_ suggest it?

It will be fun to bully them around since it's quite boring

around here...nothing to do... until that Potter makes a move, though... it will take ages though...so please ease _our _boredom for once?

Your faithful loyal servant,

Bellatrix Lestrange


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Bellatrix,

I understand that you are all in pain of this awaiting boredom but I have a bad history with House-Elves that I will never mention it to anyone!

And the Black Family did had a House-Elf did they? Why not use him? I mean your cousin, Sirius is long dead.

Your Lord,

Voldemort


	4. Chapter 4

My Lord,

But my wretched cousin, given everything to that Potter brat! I own nothing now!

And what do you mean by that incident with the House-Elves, does it involve your nose?

Your faithful loyal servant,

Bellatrix Lestrange


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Bellatrix,

I said I never want to mention it!

And I told you that talking about my nose or its disappearances is taboo!

If you are that bored, go bother you nephew or brother-in-law.

Your Lord,

Lord Voldemort

P.S: Seriously?! He gave everything to that Potter?!


	6. Chapter 6

My Lord,

May I ask you why is Wormtail and Mr. Crouch running around the corridor with Tom and Jerry outfits?

And Lucious yelping about his hair gone green?

And Draco doesn't want to leave the closet since he states he has his 'useless Emo Depression'.

And Greyback is acting like a dog (he's a werewolf... close enough).

Not to mention the kitchen is on fire!

What the BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?!

Your trustworthy servant,

Severus Snape


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Severus,

DAMNIT BELLATRIX! MY JELLY BEAN COLLECTION ALL GONE!

Your very angry Lord,

Voldemort

P.S: Is Draco an emo?

* * *

A/N: I will continue this tomorrow so anyway, please review, like and comment. And please suggest any ideas if you like.


	8. Chapter 8

Death Eaters Memos

My Lord,

Do not need to worry, we managed to keep the fire at bay.

Given Lucious his required conditioner.

Put Greyback, Crouch and Wormtail on a leash. (as well as for Bellatrix)

The only thing left to do is to convinced Draco out of the closet, which Narcissa is handling it right now.

Rest at ease, I will handle it.

Your Trustworthy Servant,

Severus Snape


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Severus,

Oh thank goodness, I was about to wet myself. (Crazy Woman Bellatrix is she)

Good Job, Severus, I knew I could trust you.

So about my Jellybean Collection?

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort


	10. Chapter 10

My Lord,

…...

Your Trustworthy Servant,

Severus Snape

P.S: You almost wet yourself?


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Severus,

Well, spit it out, Severus! I don't have time to wait for the grass to grow!

The Impatient Dark Lord,

Voldemort

P.S: I have a weak bladder... and it will worsen if I panic.

P.S.S: It does not involve my nose, Bellatrix told me that you're quite interested to find but even though I trust you the most, I WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE!


	12. Chapter 12

My Lord,

My deepest apologies, my Lord. Well...um... see... the ...um... the melted... and quite they flooded... the kitchen... with sugary liquid

Your Trustworthy Servant,

Severus Snape

P.S: Since when did I have an interest in your missing nose? And Bellatrix is obviously lying!

* * *

A/N: Wait, can Jellybeans melt? XD


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Severus,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ALLLLLLL THOSSSSEEEE YEARSSS OF COLLLLECTTTING THEMMMMMMM! ALLLLLLL GONNNNEEEE!

DAMINT BELLATRIX!

Your Very Angry Dark Lord,

Voldemort

P.S: I will keep my eye on you...nose detective...

* * *

A/N: Nose Detective sounds lame but I tried...


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Severus,

Thanks for the reverse hair dye conditioner, it really helps.

Quite Satisfied,

Lucious Malfoy

P.S: Can you hear screaming?


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Lucious,

The Dark Lord has just lost his marbles. Please give him a moment to return to his senses.

In the meantime, help me tie up your sister-in-law. She's been causing a big fuss, today.

Overly Annoyed,

Severus Snape

P.S: Please don't ask, just do it...


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Severus,

CAN YOU PLEASE UNTIE?

Very Pissed,

Barty Crouch Jr.

P.S: Wormtail got his nasty slim all over me.


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Mr. Crouch,

No

Uncaring,

Severus Snape


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Severus,

I have finally gained inner peace, once again.

Please tied Bellatrix to a stick and leave her there.

The (Overly Insane, Clam) Dark Lord,

Voldemort


	19. Chapter 19

My Lord,

May I ask you to request Snape to untie me?

Kindly Asked,

Barty Crouch Jr.


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Barty,

No. Have you seen Wormtail? I really need something to kick.

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort


	21. Chapter 21

My Lord,

He is right here, tied next to me. If you only just ask Snape to untie me, I will bring the unworthy git for you.

Being Very Generous,

Barty Crouch Jr.


	22. Chapter 22

Dear Barty,

Fine, if you insist.

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort


	23. Chapter 23

Dear Severus,

May I request you to untie Barty and Wormtail, immediately.

Barty kept bugging me about it.

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort


	24. Chapter 24

My Lord,

We are now handling the insane Bellatrix Lestrange, who bitten Lucious's hand off and stomped on Avery's feet.

Please ask someone else to do it, My Lord.

Your Trustworthy Servant,

Severus Snape

P.S: She just spat at me…

P.S.S:I wonder what Rodolphus see in that woman...


	25. Chapter 25

Dear Barty,

I tried…..

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort

P.S: Snape is a really demanding person...


	26. Chapter 26

My Lord,

Come on, I know that temptation of yours that you really want to kick Wormtail.

Tempting,

Barty Crouch Jr.

P.S:It's so very tempting.


	27. Chapter 27

Dear Barty,

Barty, now you make me sound gay with Wormtail which is unbearable on so many levels for our viewers.

But you are right, I do have the huge temptation to kick the snot out of him.

Fine, I will do it myself.

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort

P.S: There aren't any Death Eaters around since all of them is helping out in taking care of Bellatrix.

P.S.S: I think I might spent too much time in my office. (Damned Muggle Pokeman Games!)

P.S.S.S: I may need to take the bath…..

P.S.S.S.S: Also I wonder what Rodolphus sees in that woman...


	28. Chapter 28

Dear Barty,

Explain to me, why are you and Wormtail wearing Tom and Jerry Costumes?

The Dark Lord,

Voldemort


	29. Chapter 29

My Lord,

We are right net to each other. Why don't we just use our voices to talk for examples?

Confused,

Barty Crouch Jr.

P.S: About the costumes, Bellatrix dared us to wear it.

—

A/N: Tom (Barty) Jerry (Wormtail)


	30. Chapter 30

Dear Barty,

I'm having a sore throat, Barty, after repeatedly yelling 'Go! [Insert any Pokemon]!' all day.

The Dark Pokemon Master,

Voldemort

P.S: Also I'm a bit lazy...


	31. Chapter 31

My Lord,

What's a Pokemon?

Very Confused,

Barty Crouch Junior.


	32. Chapter 32

Dear Barty,

Ohhhh Myyyyy Godddd?!

Youdon'tknow!?tsthemostamazing thingintheuniverse!

The Dark Pokemon Master,

Voldemort

P.S: How are you writing to me when you are tied up like that?


	33. Chapter 33

My Lord,

…

Your Really Confused Servant,

Barty Crouch Jr

P.S I uses my toenails, can't you see that my messages are written in blood?!

P.S.S: Just hurry up and untie me! The git need to use the loo. And you know what happen if he doesn't make. Yay, perfectly a bad day for me.


	34. Chapter 34

Dear Barty,

Fine, you Pokemon Hater. Don't need to be all grumpy, you are becoming more like Severus...

The Dark Pokemon Master,

Voldemort


	35. Chapter 35

My Lord,

I'm nothing like that nosed emo freak.

Your Freed Servant,

Barty Crouch Jr.


	36. Chapter 36

My Lord,

We successfully tied up Bellatrix. (After a few hours of beating, spitting and biting.)

Also Wormtail is taking up his time in the bathroom. He must know that they are certain people waiting.

Your Trustworthy (Urgent-Need-To-Pee) Servant,

Severus Snape


	37. Chapter 37

Dear Severus,

Just drag that scum out of there! And bring him to me. I really need a kicking bag, right now….

The Dark Pokemon Master,

Voldemort


	38. Chapter 38

My Lord,

He seem to escape through the window. (I wonder how he fit in that small window sill compared from his ass size.) He left the bathroom a mess.

It's quite disgusting, and what's that unnerving smell? Smells worse than the aftermath of Bellatrix's dinner.

Your Trustworthy (Disgusted) Servant,

P.S: I'm really disgusted (and doesn't seem to care about Wormtail's escape.)

P.S.S: What's a Pokemon?


	39. Chapter 39

Dear Severus,

NOOOOOOO, MY KICKING BAG! BRING THE HOUNDS (Greyback actually) HERE! WE NEED TOOOO HUNNNT HIM DOOOWNN!

The Dark (Distressed) Pokemon Master,

Voldemort

P.S: Oh! Not you too, Severus! I seriously need to give you minions a Pokemon Lecture.

P.S.S: Can you compare the bathroom mess with your greasy hair? LOL


	40. Chapter 40

My Lord,

I'm currently doing my own business (unclogging the toilet). Just ask someone else to do it!

Your Trustworthy (About to Wet Himself) Servant,

Severus Snape

P.S: God, no. Not another silly Muggle Lecture. I already had enough that Barbie Lecture. Especially, that song still stuck in my head, I couldn't even teach in class properly again without mumbling some of the lyrics! It's embarrassing! (The Barbie Girl One)

P.S.S: MY HAIR IS NOT GREASY! Why is everyone so interested in my hair's status?


	41. Chapter 41

Dear Severus,

You are such a Grumpy Pants….Fine, I will ask Lucious and Dolohov to do it!

The Dark Pokemon Master,

Voldemort

P.S: Barbie is awesome! And marks my words, I will make another lecture and you will come, whether you like it or not!

P.S.S: Yay, that's the same interest you have with my nose. I am watching you, Severus.


	42. Chapter 42

Dear Lucious,

Severus is currently busy doing his own business, can you please fetch over Wormtail for me ,it happens so that he escaped while taking his time in the loo. Also take Dolohov and Greyback (the hound) with you.

The Dark Pokemon Master,

Voldemort

P.S: NO! You SHALL NOT question the Pokemon. (Barty and Severus already tick me off)


End file.
